What’s Really Going On With Me?
Jordan is sitting with three friends deciding what to do Saturday afternoon. Someone suggests going to the climbing gym. Everyone seems excited. Jordan immediately says, “Sure, I’m in.” About thirty seconds later, Jordan is already wishing the answer had been no. The strange part is that nobody forced Jordan to say yes. So why say it?
There are plenty of possible answers. Maybe Jordan actually wants to go but is nervous about climbing. Maybe everyone else being excited made saying no feel awkward. Maybe Jordan really values spending time with these friends. Maybe there is a thought quietly running in the background: If I don’t go, they’ll have a great time without me. One decision can have quite a lot going on underneath it.
There Might Be More Than One Thing Going On
Start with Jordan’s thoughts. I don’t want to miss out is one. I am going to look ridiculous on that wall could be another. Those two thoughts could be happening almost at the same time, which is inconvenient but also very human. Our minds do not always arrange themselves into one beautifully organized thought before we make a decision.
Then there are emotions. Jordan might be excited, nervous, embarrassed or worried about being left out. Even saying “I feel bad about this” would not tell us very much. Being more precise can matter because disappointment, worry and embarrassment are different experiences and may point toward different parts of the situation.
There are also values, the things that matter to us. Friendship might matter enormously to Jordan. So might trying new things, being independent, keeping commitments or not letting people down. Values can help guide decisions, but two things we value can sometimes pull us in different directions. Wanting time with friends and wanting to make your own choice can both matter at once.
And then there are needs. Jordan might need more information about what everyone is planning. Maybe Jordan needs time before deciding, reassurance about being a beginner, some rest after an exhausting week, or simply the freedom to say, “I’m not sure yet.” Recognizing a need does not automatically tell someone what to do. It adds another piece of information.
Don’t Forget What You Bring With You
There is another part of self-awareness that people sometimes overlook: strengths. Jordan may be nervous about climbing but also know from other experiences, I am pretty good at trying something difficult when someone shows me how to start. That does not magically remove the nerves. It does give Jordan a more complete picture than I’m going to be terrible at this.
Strengths are not compliments we are required to give ourselves. They are abilities, qualities and resources for which we can find some evidence. Someone might be persistent, funny, thoughtful, organized, creative, dependable, good at asking questions or willing to try again after getting something wrong. Sometimes we notice those things easily in other people and somehow become mysteriously less observant when the person is us.
Now look back at Jordan’s original “Sure, I’m in.” What appeared to be one simple decision may have involved thoughts, emotions, values, needs and strengths, all influencing what happened next. Jordan might not have recognized all of them at the time. That is exactly where self-awareness becomes useful.
Self-awareness means being able to recognize and understand our own thoughts, emotions, values, strengths and needs, including how they can influence our decisions and well-being. It does not mean knowing exactly why you do everything. Sometimes the most accurate answer is, I’m not sure yet.
Suppose Jordan pauses and realizes, I do want to be with my friends. I’m also nervous because I’ve never climbed before, and I said yes so quickly because I didn’t want to be left out. Nothing about that discovery decides Saturday automatically. Jordan could still go, ask some questions first, suggest something else, or change the answer.
But something important has changed. Jordan now has better information about Jordan.
And that raises another question. If we do not always recognize everything influencing us straight away, can we actually get better at knowing ourselves?
